Somewhere To Write

Posted by Anonymous on 2019/09/29 under Love

Hey you,

It's been a while hasn't it? I do miss our late night conversations, the deep talks about our futures that we would have, the way you would always stare at me with your pretty eyes, the way you would smile and laugh during our conversations, the you told me I was allowed to stare as long as I didn't "eye-rape" you, your beautiful personality. I loved you from the day you wrote your number on my hand. On that day, I knew I would love you more than anything in the world. Unfortunately it is now too late for that… things have changed, you have grown up and so have I. In the process we drifted too far apart for there to ever be anything between us again. It is now impossible for us to go beyond wishing each other happy birthday. Alas, that is the issue with one sided love.
You are out there in the world, without a worry, without a thought in your head about me or how I am doing. I am sure once in a while you remember the moments we spend together. The time you asked to sit next to me in class, the time when we sang songs together, the times when we would talk about our future lives, the times we would pretend everything was okay, stressing out about homework, stressing out about exams and grades.
Ah I have such fond memories of you, just like you will always have fond memories of him. We used to be the best of friends, now look at us? Nothing but strangers. Back to where we started… funny how that works right? Maybe some day we will met in a random place and we won't even recognize each other, when there used to be a time when we couldn't go to sleep without saying goodnight to each other.
There is a lot I miss but the main thing I miss is how you made me feel, you made me feel really happy. I owe you my life for that. I miss how close we used to be; that's not easy to get with anyone.
You once gave me a bracelet that a kid made for your birthday… you said if I kept it for a year you would get me ice cream. Guess what? It's been many years and I still have it in my wallet 🙂 We aren't close enough any more for me to ask for that ice cream so I guess I will be keeping it.
You told me you cried when we stopped talking, I am sorry. Reading that part made me cry too, if I could go back in time I would have never confessed my love to you. I would have done things differently and I promise you I would have maintained how close we were. So at the end of life, my deepest regret is that I told you I loved you. I really wish I hadn't done that, I guess sometimes you have to do what you have to do to get to the right path.
Regardless of that, I still wish we could go back to being atleast friends. I know that isn't what you want, you may be too nice to state it explicitly but I know. Looking back I know we could have never ended up with each other, I know we aren't meant to be together. But hey that doesn't mean one can't hope right? I can also keep hoping that some day by miracle we will be friends again. That by miracle some day you will wake up and decide to check up on how my life is going and actually text me first. I know we still have each other's backs and you would help me no matter what and vice versa, but that doesn't mean I don't miss all our convos. I hate the fact that we don't talk for months any more. Do you think we could ever be really close friends again? As luck would have it, I guess I will find out.
There is not a lot I regret in my life because I believe everything happens for a good reason, but this one? I don't know I am unable to accept that our friendship just drifted apart. I see the irony in this situation by the way.
My close friend is struggling with the same thing right now. She and her friend of 9 years are going through a drift. I tell her it's fate and that sometimes people just drift apart, you can't really do anything there. But then I remember that despite me telling her this, I myself blame me for allowing us to drift apart. Doesn't that mean something? I don't know anymore. I don't know if it's fate that we drifted apart or just me. I really wish we hadn't. I know you are never going to read this, but hey if you ever do, you still owe me that ice cream 🙂
I have been holding on to these thoughts for a long time now. I still have a lot more to say but I guess I will post this now before I get cold feet.

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